Life Therapy with Gwen
by Lady Death 77
Summary: After all the stress the LOTR characters go through you'd think they might need some therapy. Well, things might get a little crazy when they come to see Dr. Gwen and admit some long forgotten issues. Au.
1. Chapter 1

This is my new story, hopefully goes good and you enjoy it. Maybe this one won't be deleted like all my other ones.

Disclaimer: If I owned LOTR Arwen wouldn't be there, Gimli would rock the boat, and Elrond would be a hippy. Since none of this is true, I don't. It all belongs to Tolkien, who is long since dead. I only own Dr. Gwen, all here quirks, and my other random friends who come in. May Tolkien pass your house on his rampage of death.

Life Therapy with Gwen

"Hello, Welcome to Sunshine Therapy group! I'm Doctor Gwen, I'll be you therapist today! Please feel free to call me Gwen, or Doc." I said entering my office.

Needless to say I was slightly shocked at the sight of my new patient. He was a tall, rather charming elf. I knew from previous experience his name was Haldir. I wonder what kind of issues would drive a nice guy like him to see me, let alone pick me as his therapist. I'm not exactly "normal". I have my issues which I gracefully avoid by dancing around them and fixing other peoples issues.

"Please, have a seat." I said looking up at the elf.

"Uh…which seat?" He answered looking rather puzzled and fearful.

"Which ever one you would like." I replied politely.

"Why are you putting such a major decision on me???? I only came here for help!" He squeaked out, promptly busting into tears.

I shook my head. "How about the nice, soft, green chair over there?" I asked him.

He nodded and made his way over to the chair. I quickly made a note on my pad saying he feared choices, being a people pleaser. I seated myself in my favorite leather chair right across from him and waited for him to start. I avoided staring at him out of fear of him having another outburst. I wanted him to be comfortable and put on my "happy therapist" face. Really, this guy was going to be worse then that bipolar squirrel I had see me last week. This might take some tough love to fix.

"So, Haldir, why have you decided to come see me today?" I asked.

"Well, I've got a strange fear of……." He faded away, not finishing his sentence.

"Of what sweetie?" I asked gently.

"It's dumb; you'll just laugh at me!" He blubbered, almost in tears again.

"No, I won't. I'm here to try to help you. I want you to want to get better, but for that to happen you need to realize you WANT help. Admitting the problem is the first step."

"I'm deathly af-fr-aid of-fffff…" He stuttered.

"Go ahead." I gently prompted him.

This seemed to have little affect on him. He just sat there and stared at me. His eyes were rimmed red and brimming with tears. He had huge eyes, like a puppy that had just been kicked by a horrible owner. This was a lot melodramatic for me. What a baby, seriously it is not the end of the world. I was very tired of him acting like a five year old who had wet his pants and now was scared to tell him mother. Naturally, I had to take action. I promptly backhanded him.

"SPIT IT OUT FOR GOODNESS SAKE! I DON'T HAVE ALL DAY TO WASTE ON YOU TRYING TO SAY ONE WORD!" I screamed at him.

"SNOWMEN!" He screamed back, and then shrunk down into a little ball.

I blinked. "Snowmen?" I asked, just to be sure I heard him correctly.

"Mhmm." He nodded.

"Well is it of the snow, or the snow made up like a person?" I asked him.

"I'm perfectly fine with the snow, but when it's made into huge balls it freaks me out. Those eyes, staring at me!" He replied fearfully.

"Coal, rock, or button eyes?" I asked.

"Coal." He answered, shuddering.

"Do you think that this could perhaps be caused by a childhood event that caused you to fear eyes, or huge balls of snow in general?" I replied.

He nodded, then spoke. "Well this one time at band camp…."

"You were tragically raped by a demonic penguin, dressed up like a huge ball that had black eyes?" I answered.

"How did you know?" he asked shocked.

I smiled. "I'm all knowing dear." I stated while tapping my forehead. "See I think the issue here is really bigger then this penguin raping you. I think there is a deeper issue that causes this."

"I was baked into a giant fruit cake by my aunt Frank once." He replied.

"Did it have nuts?" I asked.

"Yes," He sobbed. "Huge nuts!!!!!!!!"

"That must have been terrifying." I supplied while nodding sympathetically.

"After that all the pretty pink ponies wouldn't play with me anymore! They said I couldn't see the rainbow anymore!" He exploded. "Oh, but I could! I saw it bright as ever! They left me all alone in the fig forest, and then the penguin rapped me!"

"Tragic!" I stated dramatically, turning up the music to set the mood.

"After that I was never the same again. I can't even go on myspace without being ambushed by other Haldir's who don't speak English!" He cried. "I just want to know what they mean! Its worse then the 1000 voices in my head speaking panda; and I only know monkey!"

"AH HA!" I exclaimed. "There is the problem!"

"Where?" He asked while looking all over his body like it was written somewhere.

"The Haldir's attacking you!" I bellowed.

"THEY HAVE NO MERCY! THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND MY SEXUAL NEEDS! I ONLY WANT A PERKY PINK STARWBERRY SCENTED SHEEP TO PLAY BUTT DARTS WITH ME!" He screamed. "Is that too much to ask for?" He finished sobbing

"GET AHOLD OF YOURSELF!!" I shot back whacking him on top of the head with my clipboard.

"You hit me! I'm telling my mommy on you!" He answered childishly.

"HEY! Cram it!" I replied. "Now I think what you have is a severe case of stuffed animalistis. I'm going to write you a prescription."

"You can get that?" He asked somberly.

"Yes, you can." I replied, sighing. "You most likely got it after that stick bug gave you a yeast infection after he crawled through rotten apples then down your pants."

"NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" He screamed.

"Yes, I know about that. I also know about your fantasies of Gimli being a pole dancer in a pink see-through mini dress and you sticking money in his fuzzy g-string. Then you two running off to the outhouse on the corner of west and peach and making sweet love all night long!" I shot back.

"No, that's not me!" He answered blushing.

"Yes it is; I also know what you did to Santa last summer." I replied. "But I'm going to give you a prescription for 500mg of Levitra. I'll give you a 2 month supply, and then I'd like to see you again to re-evaluate you. Make sure you take your pill everyday!"

"Oh thank you so much Doc! I feel so much better!" He replied happily.

"Just doing my job! See you in 2 months Haldir!" I answered, watching him happily skip out.

Wow, what a disturbing secession. I quickly made notes and snapped my clipboard shut. I couldn't resist a quick giggle as I faxed his prescription to the pharmacy he used. I hoped that I had helped him. I just wasn't sure if I was ready for my next patient of the day, Gimli.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: If I owned LOTR Legolas would have pink, shiny hair, Glorfindel would ride a stick horse, and Aragorn would rock out and be a member of Kiss. Since none of this is true I don't own it. It belongs to the great Tolkien, who has long since been buried before I was born. I don't own Ben& Jerry's either. I only own Gwen, Kelsie, and all the quirks that come with them. May Tolkien pass your house on his rampage of death.

Life Therapy with Gwen

"Hello, Welcome to Sunshine Therapy group! I'm Doctor Gwen, I'll be you therapist today! Please feel free to call me Gwen, or Doc." I said entering my office.

I looked up, wait I take that back, down at my new patient. Honestly, I wasn't quite sure where he began and hair ended. In all actuality I wasn't positive there was something under all that hair. I did have to stifle a fairly large giggle, all "its" hair looked an awful lot like pubic hair. I mentally slapped myself for being so unprofessional. I wonder if I poke him if he'll squeak……. BAD GWEN! I shook my head immediately pushing that thought aside, until later anyways. I put on my biggest, fakest smile.

"You must be Gimli!!!!" I said as sweetly as I could.

He quickly reeled backwards, eyes getting big. I didn't mean to frighten the lil' bugger! He, oddly enough, reminded me of a squirrel. I always wanted a pet squirrel!!! Maybe I'll take him home and put him in a cage and keep him for forever!!!!! He did have this awful reek that followed him though. I bet with a little help from Willy Wonka and Jack Sparrow I could scrub him up nice! Or maybe I'd get granny to kill him and I'd stuff him!! What a lovely table he'd make! I snapped out of my trance when I heard a noise.

"Have a seat Mr. Gimli. Anywhere is fine." I forced out, knowing I'd have to get rid of whatever chair he sat in.

Lucky for me he picked the chair in the far corner that was the ugliest shade of calf shit brown I've ever seen. Don't ask why I had it; it just kind of made its way into my office one night. I still blame my friend and fellow shrink, Kelsie, who sometimes fills in for me when I'm "sick". I don't worry about it though. I got her back the other day. I have a friend who stuffs dead animals, but secretly they are bombs. I got her a raccoon, and he went off and singed her eyebrows off. Almost took out this girl in the office we both hate named Mandi. Boy is she a peach! Anyways, I had a seat in my second favorite chair which is held together by duct tape but is by far the comfiest chair I have ever place my rear in.

"So how can I help you help yourself today?" I asked.

"I need help dealing with the death of my wife." He replied, sounding like a munchkin.

"What happened to the poor woman?"

"She was a Galadriel look-a-like. I could never have my sweetie pie pookie poo baby snuffles mclovin beary boo boo! The real Galadriel was already married! She wouldn't touch my tiny dicked butt! I begged and pleaded with her! I even showed her princess Sofia but she wouldn't run away with me!" He screamed. "So I had to settle for someone who just liked her, and didn't charge me too much! So I finally found one and we got married by Barney in the hooters the next block over!"

"Well that seems like a happy time! What went wrong?" I asked carefully.

"I had my old pal Legoloaf over for dinner one night. He brought his overnight bag so we could have a camp out! We invited Michael Jackson and the local Boy Scout troop! We were having such a great time!!! We made s'mores; Mikey was taking turns telling everyone stories which had great sound effects in his tent! Boy he scared all those little boys real good with the way they screamed! Then Troop Leader John pulled out this weird pipe and started smoking it! We all passed it around and it tasted like candy!!! Then all of the sudden I saw Rick, my wife, and Legoloaf come out of the tent! OH I WAS SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MAD!" He screamed.

I blinked rapidly. This guy was a fruit cake with extra nuts. I honestly couldn't believe what I was hearing, he had to be lying to me….yet he seemed so angry. Like Hilary Clinton without the botox. I shudder at the idea of Hilary Clinton. This was worse then when I'd walked in on Boromir raping that smurf….very tragic and disturbing. For a moment I considered smashing my head against the wall to beat both images out of my brain, but decided against it.

"Why were you angry?" I asked.

"He'd deflowered Rick's rose! You could just tell by the looks one their faces! They were laughing inside! Going 'HAHAHA! We just played a Cher tape in our tent then played hop-a-top without you!' I knew it! MY BFF LEGGY HAD BETRAYED ME! In that moment I knew what I had to do." He paused dramatically, as I started repainting by nails. "I had to take her out! I was going to make Legoloaf pay for that time he denied me! I only wanted him to wax my butt crack. But NO! He was too busy shaving Aragorn's legs and giving him a pedicure to help me! It was pay back time, and I knew just how to do it. Believe it or not elves are not what they seem, I know Legoloaf's big secret. He…sweats uncontrollably. His major downfall, you learn these kind of things by sharing a bed roll with him. So I knew he'd have an extra stick of woman's extra strength deodorant in his bag. It was simple really… all I had to do was get her to eat it. So I gave it to her and told her it was a new candy bar, she loves sweet which could explain why she weighted 21,245,642,315,784,453,468,787,354,215,100,001,548,751,575,154,838,748,378,952 lbs. She ate it and asked what the strings were. Secretly I gagged, I'd forgotten about the all the hair Legoloaf had in his armpits. So I lied and told her it was coconut. She ate the whole stick and promptly belched. In that moment I was disgusted that I had let myself fall for her mustache and belly ring." He started sobbing.

I looked at him critically. I was more than slightly sickened by all this information, as well as surprised that he didn't end up living in her belly button for a month when she rolled over in bed on top of him. I honestly don't get paid enough for this job. I was going to take the rest of the day off after this, and maybe even have Kelsie take my two secessions tomorrow. I heard the pint of Ben& Jerry's in my freezer at home calling my name. I really wanted that Chunky Monkey bad!

"So what happened?" I prodded.

"I don't know…..She was there with me then all of the sudden her head fell off! I didn't know it was going to kill her! I just wanted her unconscious for the rest of the night so she wouldn't go off without me!" He giggled evilly.

"So you really didn't mean to kill her?" I asked skeptically.

"No! I would never ever kill my pooh bear!" He replied.

"I hardly believe that Mr. Gimli. You were angry because you had to settle for her. She had anoxia but still was fat. You were angry that she wouldn't beat your meat because she couldn't find it and found you disgusting. She was a mail order bride from China; she had no choice but to marry you. She didn't want to be sent back home to her family and be disowned because her grandma was a hooker. She couldn't help she was a plastic surgery nightmare."

He stared at me in awe and started to mutter a response to me.

"Oh No! Don't go there girlfriend! I am not finished!" I spat out while my eyes narrowed. "This is all your fault! I know what you do for a living! I also know that Galadriel has a restraining order against you! I am more then well aware of the fact she found you in her bed wearing her thong and bustea, while pleasuring yourself with her pillow all while you forced her dog to watch! You are one sick brother yo!" I replied to him, poking him in the chest every other word to emphasize my point.

I was far from amused with Mr. Gimli and his sick, disturbing actions. Oh but the best was yet to come. All the sudden the song Baby got Back filled my office and Gimli tried to give me a lap dance. I was so going to get Mandi for this. Before Gimli could climb on me I nailed him in his little dwarf. He promptly fell to the ground howling in pain as I smugly thought to myself that his family jewel's just got a little smaller. I wasn't Haldir who had fantasies about him.

"Refrain yourself or I am going to report you for sexual abuse in the work place! So help me god you'll never see another woman again if you do! You will be the prison bitch that everyone rides! All the other guys will fight you for your toilet paper that you use to stuff you pants!" I threatened.

He was getting annoyed with me, I could tell. I knew more than I cared to, and he had no idea how I knew. I felt no remorse for him. He was getting all huffy and puffing his chest out and tapping his peak toe pumps at me.

"Don't stomp those little last season Prada's at me honey!"

"They are so not last season! I just got these yesterday!" He growled.

"Oh, that's why I tried on a pair identical to them last fall? You're a horrible liar, and stop shopping at thrift stores. You never know what foot disease you could get from used shoes!" I replied.

He was a freak; he was going down on my clients that I was refereeing to someone else in the office. I knew exactly who would be the perfect match for him. Before I could speak I noticed the little weasel eyeing my chest lustfully. This was beginning to be too much for me. I knew the perfect person for this little skunk, she loves it when clients hit on her and has been known to get dirty with them on her desk.

"Hey!" I snapped. "Half pint! Eyes on my face you little weasel! I swear if you value your life you will stop checking me out! I'm going to write you a prescription and you're going to hike your little hairy butt out of here for good! Also, another tip for you, women don't like men who rape their mothers because he can't get any from anyone else."

I quickly scribbled down the words on my pad and signed it, this was bogus. I nailed the little prick in the nut sack another time for a good measure. I giggled ecstatically as he did a face plant onto the floor.

"I've written you a prescription for Ortho Tri-Cyl. It'll help you with your sexual urges. I'd also like you to go see your doctor for a rectal examine." I said while pulling plastic gloves on my hands.

He stared at me again and I kicked him on the back of the knee and he fell forward. I jammed Mandi's card and car keys up his butt with Mandi's vibrator, but decided to leave the vibrator in his butt, on, for a good measure. I then tucked a card in his hand for him to give Joyce, our secretary, on the way out that refereed him to see Mandi from now on. I then grabbed his beard and flung him through the wall into Mandi's office then she kicked him out the door. I sighed and threw all the notes I'd taken at Mandi's head and screamed that he was her client now. I called a repair guy to fix the wall and walked to the desk and told Joyce to reschedule my afternoon appointments. I left the office and sped home, to my awaiting Ben& Jerry's. I considered calling Kelsie to tell her she'd be in for me tomorrow but decided to let Joyce wake her at 5am tomorrow to inform her she was filling in for me.

A/N- Biggest thanks to Kelso, my Beta, for all her hard work!


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: If Kelso owned LOTR then Legolas would be Santa's favorite pet, Aragorn would ride the Balrog like a pony, and Gandalf would wax Elrond's eyebrows. Since none of this is true then she doesn't own it. May Tolkien pass your house on his rampage of death!

Chapter 3- Those Are Just The Taters of Reality

I stumble very ungracefully into Dr. Gwen's therapy office Monday morning. Lucky for her, she was off having the time of her freaking life on a cruise to Indonesia. And here I was, stuck with her pathetic patients who think they have it so bad. Why should I care about their problems? Why do they matter to me? Huh? HUH??

...Anyways, I strolled over to Gwen's desk where she had left her notes for me. Kindness is the key, sharing is caring, blah blah blah. Totally not the way I work basically. I crumpled up her well-written and well thought out notes, stuck them in my mouth and chewed on them until they felt good and soggy, then spit them in to the trash where they belonged. These patients were gonna play by more rules. They were in my world now. I flipped to the current date in her appointment book and read off the name of the first patient of the morning out loud to the "patients" in the waiting room. "Erm..His Royal Highness Prince Legolas Greenleaf?"

His eagerness was disgusting. He looked as if he was excited to be seeing a shrink. Whatever. It'll just make things more amusing later. I put on the most fraudulent smile I could summon, hoping he would get a glimpse of what the next 50 minutes would be like, but his grin never faltered. Again, whatever.

He still had not stopped grinning even after we were settled in Gwen's office. I poured some coffee into my cup, then contemplated if I should offer him any. Nah, too lazy. I took a few swigs, making sure I took up as much time doing so as I could, since I had already started the timer. If I was lucky, it would begin to irritate him. No such like. The freaking idiot sat there beaming at me from across the room. I finally got irritated myself and plopped down into Gwen's comfy chair and picked up my clipboard. "So...Legolas."

I paused, waiting for him to speak. When he said nothing I looked up. "Legolas." I repeated.

"Yes, Doctor Paige?"

I sighed. He wasn't even bothered by the fact that I hadn't given respect to his title by calling him 'Prince' Legolas. "Whatever, never mind. So why did you set up an appointment?"

"I believe I have a problem."

I rolled my eyes and took another swig of coffee before replying. "Obviously."

Finally he began to feel my bitterness and he shifted uncomfortably in his seat. "Well, it's silly really..."

I tapped my pen on my clipboard and gave a fake grin "Then why are you here wasting my time?"

He began twiddling his thumbs, a sure sign that I was growing on him. "It's not really something I can handle alone, you see."

I kept up my board expression. "Then you should talk to your insurance agent, not a shrink.'

The expression on his face became bewildered. "A what?"

"Oh I'm sorry, I forgot this is a random-ass therapy center set up in the middle of East Jesus Nowhere!"

His gaze fell to his lap. "Actually, this is Rivendell...."

There was a long pause where I just glared at his bent head. "Whatever. I'll ask again, What is your problem?"

He took a deep breath before replying. "I'm having a bit of a problem with fangirls writing slash fics about my best friend and I." His eyes looked longingly at mine, as if I were the only one that help him through this difficult time. I'm sure it helped none too much when I burst out laughing.

"HAHA! Sucks to be you!", I made a few notes on my clipboard while still chuckling.

Legolas looked appallingly at me. "I'm going to pretend that you didn't just laugh in my face."

I was still chuckling. "Suit yourself."

He glowered, "Anyways, there really are loads of these stories all of the web, and they are incredibly demeaning and humiliating." He paused and waited for me to say something. Truth be told, I had zoned out completely and what looked like me writing notes was me drawing cavemen on my clipboard. He continued, "They are utterly untrue, and since I know I cannot stop their existence I was wondering how I should cope with them." The earnesty in his face returned.

After a long silence I realized he wasn't talking anymore and look at him. "I'm sorry, I missed all that, can you repeat it?", I said nonchalantly.

His pale face quickly became tomato-colored. "Isn't this your job, to help people through their problems? You're doing awfully terrible so far, madam!"

I threw my pen to the floor. "Freaking pansy elf, what makes you think I care? We all have problems? Gwen has problems, Haldir has problems, I even have problems!"

"Ha, that's for damn sure," he scoffed while rolling his eyes and crossing his arms.

I slammed my clipboard down on the desk and stood up. This got his attention very well. "Okay Legolas, "I stared off in a soft tone, not too sweet, but calming soft. His features did indeed soften, but it was of no importance to me. "Here's what I would do if I were in your situation."

He leaned forward as if to hear me better.

"To make these awful gay rumors go away, if I were you, I'd jump out of Gwen's office window and run around Rivendell screaming 'Huzzah!', and I wouldn't go home until everyone has seen you and has made sure that you are totally not gay, Ya follow me?"

His eyes brightened and he grinned. 'It's brilliant! I had never thought of that before, yet it makes perfect sense in it's ridiculousness! Open up that window, baby, I'm showing the world I can withstand gay rumors!"

I rubbed my temples. "You would come on stronger if you jumped through the glass."

He nodded with enthusiasm. "So be it then. Huzzah!!"

He went so quickly that I saw him outside before I even heard the glass shatter. The glass did falter him for a few seconds, but after a few groans and grunts he shook himself off and set out to perform the task told to him would liberate him. After he was out of site but I could still hear his "Huzzah's!", I turned back to Gwen's desk and began writing her a note.

_Dear Gwen,_

_What a pleasant day it has been for not only me but your patient's as well. Especially the princely elf one. He enjoyed his time with me so much that I think he may be back. He's so thoroughly controllable-oh I mean-enthusiastic, I can only ask if you will allow me to oversee his condition from now on. Can't wait to see you!_

_~Paige_

All that could be heard in the waiting room was the sound of my evil laughter filling the office and patients with a sudden dread. Whatever.

A/N- Update! Finally, I know. I blame this all on Kelso, because she wrote this chapter. I hope you like it, and if you're still with me that bless you! You all get a dozen cookies! If you just joined then welcome! Hope you like this chapter. Creds to me for Betaing it!


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